Tough

Tough is the only way to describe this past week.  I have had so many thoughts running through my head at any given moment, to the point where I honestly believe my brain will just shut down to give me a break.  Of course, that hasn’t happened yet.

Things haven’t been the same with my boyfriend and mine’s relationship in awhile.  We have become so comfortable and so stuck in routine that I now consider him more of a friend than my boyfriend.  So on Sunday, I suggested that he move back to his house for awhile, just so we could kind of gather our thoughts and take a step back.  My first night sleeping alone without him next to me was, as terrible as it makes me feel, a relief.  I was shocked to learn that I simply did not miss him.  Amongst this feeling of relief was also a stronger, more troubling thought.  How can I not miss someone that I have been with for two years?  We have been attached at the hip for so long, and now that he’s gone, how terrible of a person must I be to not even miss him?

That thought stuck with me since Sunday, so on Tuesday, I broke it off.  I told him that we needed our own identities and we need to be able to find happiness outside of each other, which is completely true.  After two years of being together day in and day out, we have lost ourselves to each other, and not in a good way.  I couldn’t go out with friends without worrying if he’d be mad when I got home because I was an hour late.  I had to stay home while he was at work because I didn’t want to make him feel bad that I was having fun without him.  It was messed up.  I know he wasn’t blatantly attempting to control me, but I began to feel as if dealing with the repercussions of, say, staying out until bar close with my friends wasn’t worth the fun I might have.  I changed to accommodate his feelings, but I lost myself in the process.

As if this wasn’t complicated enough, all of these things have been accompanied by the return of my ex.  We hung out recently with a bunch of our friends, and by the end of the night he was begging me to come back to him.  Normally I would brush this off and blame it on the alcohol that was involved, but he has been talking to me every day since.  Since I’m already rambling I will spare you the details, but I know he’s sincere when he says he wants to be with me again.

I haven’t eaten or slept in four days.  I am just beside myself, unable to handle all of these emotions.  I feel so terribly for my boyfriend, or ex I guess, because he is just so upset with what has happened.  I feel like a horrible person for dropping so much on him, and now I’ve kind of backed myself into a corner by saying that this isn’t permanent and it’s necessary for us to take a step back, just to spare his feelings.  I hate seeing him so upset, but the reality is that I don’t think I want to be with him anymore.  Also, I have had such a great time with the old ex, and it has been years since we dated so I know things could be different this time.  It is just so refreshing to have someone tell you how great you are after being stuck in such a difficult relationship for so long.

But I don’t know what to do.

And I’m tired of making myself sick over it.

And I’m just going to shut up now.

If you somehow made it to the end of this post, I commend you.  I don’t think I’ll even be able to read this through, so my apologies for completely wasting your time with this one.  I promise my next post will not be so…ridiculous.

Holly, not Hollie 

 

EDIT: I just saw my horoscope for today after writing this post.  Just thought I should share the irony with you guys.

You are feeling at peace and very good about yourself now. Others express appreciation for the help and support you have given them, which makes you feel that your efforts have been worthwhile. Your daily life and activities run smoothly and everything is in good working order. You are particularly well-organized now and your domestic life is harmonious.
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4 thoughts on “Tough

  1. I’m sorry you’ve had such a tough week!

  2. TomartoSoup says:

    Poor you, I really hope that next week brings treats you better. As a suggestion, maybe you could stay single for a while, like you said, so that you could “find yourself”?

    • I agree, I really need to take a break from dating. I’ve even entertained the idea of becoming a nun, but I’m not all that religious and I think that’s frowned upon in the Catholic Church.

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