Category Archives: Thoughts

Tough

Tough is the only way to describe this past week.  I have had so many thoughts running through my head at any given moment, to the point where I honestly believe my brain will just shut down to give me a break.  Of course, that hasn’t happened yet.

Things haven’t been the same with my boyfriend and mine’s relationship in awhile.  We have become so comfortable and so stuck in routine that I now consider him more of a friend than my boyfriend.  So on Sunday, I suggested that he move back to his house for awhile, just so we could kind of gather our thoughts and take a step back.  My first night sleeping alone without him next to me was, as terrible as it makes me feel, a relief.  I was shocked to learn that I simply did not miss him.  Amongst this feeling of relief was also a stronger, more troubling thought.  How can I not miss someone that I have been with for two years?  We have been attached at the hip for so long, and now that he’s gone, how terrible of a person must I be to not even miss him?

That thought stuck with me since Sunday, so on Tuesday, I broke it off.  I told him that we needed our own identities and we need to be able to find happiness outside of each other, which is completely true.  After two years of being together day in and day out, we have lost ourselves to each other, and not in a good way.  I couldn’t go out with friends without worrying if he’d be mad when I got home because I was an hour late.  I had to stay home while he was at work because I didn’t want to make him feel bad that I was having fun without him.  It was messed up.  I know he wasn’t blatantly attempting to control me, but I began to feel as if dealing with the repercussions of, say, staying out until bar close with my friends wasn’t worth the fun I might have.  I changed to accommodate his feelings, but I lost myself in the process.

As if this wasn’t complicated enough, all of these things have been accompanied by the return of my ex.  We hung out recently with a bunch of our friends, and by the end of the night he was begging me to come back to him.  Normally I would brush this off and blame it on the alcohol that was involved, but he has been talking to me every day since.  Since I’m already rambling I will spare you the details, but I know he’s sincere when he says he wants to be with me again.

I haven’t eaten or slept in four days.  I am just beside myself, unable to handle all of these emotions.  I feel so terribly for my boyfriend, or ex I guess, because he is just so upset with what has happened.  I feel like a horrible person for dropping so much on him, and now I’ve kind of backed myself into a corner by saying that this isn’t permanent and it’s necessary for us to take a step back, just to spare his feelings.  I hate seeing him so upset, but the reality is that I don’t think I want to be with him anymore.  Also, I have had such a great time with the old ex, and it has been years since we dated so I know things could be different this time.  It is just so refreshing to have someone tell you how great you are after being stuck in such a difficult relationship for so long.

But I don’t know what to do.

And I’m tired of making myself sick over it.

And I’m just going to shut up now.

If you somehow made it to the end of this post, I commend you.  I don’t think I’ll even be able to read this through, so my apologies for completely wasting your time with this one.  I promise my next post will not be so…ridiculous.

Holly, not Hollie 

 

EDIT: I just saw my horoscope for today after writing this post.  Just thought I should share the irony with you guys.

You are feeling at peace and very good about yourself now. Others express appreciation for the help and support you have given them, which makes you feel that your efforts have been worthwhile. Your daily life and activities run smoothly and everything is in good working order. You are particularly well-organized now and your domestic life is harmonious.
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I Can’t Write.

Tomorrow, I have a meeting with a man who wants me to ghost write a book for him.  He has the outline complete, and he has chosen me, out of everyone, to write this book.  I am thoroughly honored, seeing as I am still a college student and he is a successful businessman with innumerable resources at his fingertips.  Plus, this is exactly the type of experience I have been looking for.  I have wanted to write a book for so long, but I can never bring my ideas to fruition.  I think part of me is scared that once I start writing, I will realize that I’m not cut out to be a creative writer, and my entire life’s goal will go out the window.  So clearly it makes sense to just not even try and save myself the disappointment, right?

I realize that I write all the time for this blog, but it’s really not the same.  I’m not creating characters and story lines and dialogue here.  I’m just writing about my life.  I don’t worry about it sounding perfect or making sense, because I don’t feel like writing on this blog is something I should stress about.  This is an escape for me, and this is where I can talk about whatever I want. And if that means I don’t have thousands of followers and three hundred views a day, so be it.  But the last thing I want is to begin writing this book, only to realize that I’m not as good of a writer as I thought.  I have paid thousands of dollars to become a writer one day (thanks to college) without ever having the chance to actually test out the waters in the writing field.  What if it turns out that I’m the shittiest writer who has ever set a pen to paper, and everyone was just humoring me this whole time?  What do I do with an English degree then, save for saying screw it and becoming a manager at McDonalds?  Not that there’s anything wrong with McDonalds, but I didn’t go to college for three years to to end up flipping burgers for the rest of my life.  Okay, sorry, I’m rambling.

I guess I’ll have to see how it goes.  I have faith in myself that I can write a good novel.  Maybe not a best seller, but an entertaining read at the very least.  I don’t even know the outline or genre of the book yet, so I have no idea why I’m stressing so much.  Chances are, I will be able to dedicate this summer to completing a well-written piece of work that I can be proud of.  It’s just the what if that’s nerve-wracking.

How do you feel about starting a new project or something you’ve never done before?

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Only One Exam and Paper To Go…

I think this is the longest I’ve gone without posting since I started this blog.  I remember when I first started blogging a few months ago, I had convinced myself that I would post every day, no matter what, about interesting and insightful topics.

Then life got in the way.

This week is my finals week.  Yesterday consisted of a four page paper, an exam, and two reviews and memos for other classmates.  Today will be finishing up my fifteen page paper for my Social Media class (I’m at six pages right now) and taking my final exam for another class.  Then I will officially be done with my junior year of college, which sounds really scary to me.

Last week was a lot of the same.  Trying to get things together for peer reviews, studying for Biology and Environmental Science, and catching up on all of the articles I skipped for my film class.  I was really going strong until spring break (which, mind you, was about two months ago).  After that, my motivation essentially became nonexistent, which is why I am now frantically trying to get my shit together before the semester ends.

My life at this point.

On a lighter note, during this crazy past week, I still managed to create a really beautiful afghan for my boyfriend’s mom for Mother’s Day.  Once again, I finished it at the eleventh hour, with literally an hour to spare.  And, once again, I didn’t have the time to take a decent picture of it, mostly because for each picture I put up on here, I take about fifteen others that I discard due to lighting, blurriness, etc.  I really just need a new camera.  Or maybe I need to learn to take better pictures.  Nah, let’s blame the camera.

Unfortunately, my relentless studying has also pushed my P90X workouts to the back burner.  I completed four workouts in the last week, which isn’t bad, but I definitely don’t have the results to show for it.  I have lost no weight, no inches, no nothing.  I’m pretty sure my vegging out while studying probably counteracted anything I burned during the workouts.  This week should be better, since my boyfriend will be participating more now that he’s done with school and has more free time.  He’s pretty much my main motivator when it comes to working out, so I’m really relying on him to continue this P90X journey with me.

I hope you all had a great Mother’s Day and weekend!

Holly, not Hollie

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Six Things I Love…Monday?

Alright. I don’t want to be one of those bloggers who apologizes for not posting, but here I am.  Celebrating a little too much for my birthday coupled with a wedding shower and tons of homework this weekend, I find myself finally getting around to writing my weekly post on a Monday.  Whoops, sorry guys.  I know you were all just dying to see what I’m currently loving.  Right?  Right?

 

1. BzzAgent Why? According to their website, “Connecting people and their favorite brands since 2001, BzzAgent is the leading social marketing company.”  Essentially, this company hands out free products to consumers like you and me, who then “buzz” about their experience with the product.  These bzzagents get the word out about these products via social media or word of mouth.  I signed up about a month ago, and I got my first Neutrogena products in the mail about a week ago.  I love this company already, and I can guarantee you’ll be hearing more about it from me in the future.

 

2. Mojitos

At least, I like to think so.

Why? It’s only fitting, since I just turned 21, that I share my favorite drink with you guys.  Over the past five days, I think I’ve consumed more mojitos than a vacationer in Mexico does in a month.  What could possibly be better than rum, mint, and lime?  So refreshing and tasty.

 

3. Maybelline Dream Liquid Mousse Why? This foundation has seriously been a life-saver for me lately.  Like most people, when I get stressed, I break out.  This lightweight formula has been able to cover all of my blemishes, leaving me with a flawless look.  I seriously recommend it for those of you who break out a lot, or even if you need a little bit of coverage.  You won’t be disappointed.

 

4. Train-Drive By

Why? I have been so obsessed with this song lately.  It has quite literally been on repeat the past few days.  My boyfriend actually had to take my iPod away from me on our trip to Milwaukee over the weekend because I wouldn’t stop playing it.  But he can’t control my blog! Muhahaha.  But really, it’s a happy, cute song, and I hope you all enjoy it as much as I have been.

 

5. Dan Brown

Why? I’ve heard time and time again how redundant and predictable his novels have come to be, but I’m currently reading The Lost Symbol after finishing The DaVinci Code and Angels and Demons.  I will admit, Brown’s writing style is easily noticed throughout each book, and yes, you can somewhat predict the outcome of each story, but that doesn’t mean that the reading journey is any less good.  I’ve never really been a science fiction sort of gal, but his books make the genre interesting and exciting.

 

6. Harry’s Bar and Grille

Why? This has been my favorite restaurant as long as I can remember.  Some of my fondest memories with my dad include this restaurant, followed by walks along the piers on Lake Michigan.  I’m sure many of you don’t live in Milwaukee, nor have ever been to Milwaukee, but if you do come visit the great city, be sure to check out this restaurant.  They have the best Portland Sliders (burgers with eggs) and a to-die-for Turkey Avocado Club.

What are you loving right now?

Holly, not Hollie


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Birthday Post

It’s official: I’m 21 years old!  Never thought this day would come, but boy am I glad it did.

Me, come the weekend.

Unfortunately, my birthday happened to fall on a Tuesday this year, so I won’t be able to really make my debut in the bar scene until Friday.  However, I did have my first bar experience at 12 am last night, at a little dive bar near my house.  There were about six other middle-aged people there, all of whom were drunk as skunks.  Kind of awkward, but I got a free Jaegerbomb and free pool out of it, so I’m not gonna complain.

As for today, I am currently waiting for my boyfriend to get done with class so he can take me shopping as a birthday present.  I can hear the collective gasps already: he didn’t get you anything?!  Some girls like flowers and jewelry and surprises.  I like being able to buy whatever my heart desires, courtesy of my boyfriend’s credit card.

Since I’m shopping later, I’ll definitely be posting my haul either later today or tomorrow.  Stay tuned!

Holly, not Hollie

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Six Things I Love Sunday: April 22

Happy Sunday everyone!  I hope you’ve all had a good weekend so far.  Here’s my six things for this Sunday.

 

1. H&M

Why? I’m kind of a late bloomer when it comes to H&M, but lately, I make a beeline towards this store every time I find myself at the mall.  The clothes are so cheap and so cute, and you’ll never find anything cookie-cutter there, which is awesome.  The only problem I have with this store is that it can be hard to find a size because everything is so picked through, but that’s not necessarily the store’s fault.  Overall, I think it’s safe to say that this is my new favorite store.

 

2. Cho by Zoya

Why? I ordered this from Birchbox and just received it in the mail on Friday, and I am in love with the color.  For me, it’s the perfect color for a neutral polish.  I was a little disappointed that I had to paint on three coats for a good color, but for spending only $1 (I used my Birchbox points!), I’m pretty pleased.

 

3. Luke Bryan

Whatta hottie.

Why? I cannot get enough of his music lately.  Aside from the fact that he is incredibly easy on the eyes, I can’t wait for summer so I can roll down the windows and blast his music for all of the world to hear.  Plus, I can’t stop listening to this song.

 

4. PINK Crop Tees

Why? Okay, okay.  I know a couple weeks back I posted about how I love everything PINK, but I swear, this isn’t a repeat!  I have three of these shirts, and I think they’re just perfect for a day at the beach.  Granted, there haven’t been many beach days in Wisconsin yet, but I’ve been wearing them around the house almost everyday in anticipation of warmer days.  Plus, I love how versatile it is.  It looks great off the shoulder or hanging low in the front or back.  Plus, if you’re like me and don’t have a super-flat stomach, it still provides enough coverage so you don’t feel like your belly is all exposed and whatnot.

 

5. Marley and Me

 

Why? I know this movie had been out for quite awhile, but I’m talking about the book, not the film.  I just got done reading it on my Nook, and I’m not going to lie, I teared up at the end.  I’m a huge dog lover, so I probably shouldn’t have read this book to begin with since I knew the ending, but it was worth it.  If you have only see the movie, I definitely recommend you read the book too.  So much better.

 

6. Tamales

Why? I’ll admit, this is a kind of random thing to post, but I went out for Mexican with my mom last night and had the most delicious tamales.  It’s basically some sort of meat (I had chicken) rolled up in cornmeal dough, then baked in a corn husk.  So tasty, and easily one of my favorite foods.

What are you loving right now?

Holly, not Hollie

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Unmotivated Girl Problems

Every single day I go through the same exact thought process.

Going to bed, 1 am: Tomorrow, I’m going to go work out.  I’m going to eat healthy and go to the gym and feel better about myself.

Wake up, 10 am: Ugh, I’m tired.  I’ll just read some blogs on WordPress, check my Facebook, then go get some breakfast.

11 am: I’m really full.  Maybe I should do some homework while I wait for my stomach to settle.

3 pm: Boyfriend will be home from school soon. Maybe I can convince him to take the dog for a walk with me.

4 pm: Boyfriend won’t go. What a surprise.  I need to start making dinner soon.

7 pm: I’m full.  Maybe I should do some knitting.

1 am: Why didn’t I work out today? Tomorrow I’m going to go to the gym.

Repeat cycle.

I lack motivation.  I’ll be the first to admit it.  When it comes to getting homework done or meeting a deadline, I’m on that shit like white on rice.  But when it comes to self-discipline or perseverance, I tend to let things slide.  A lot.

I’ve tried motivational quotes, eating plans, guilting myself into working out by reading other people’s weight-loss experiences.  Nothing sticks.  I go a week or two really motivated and excited about what I’m doing, then I miss one day and everything goes downhill.  I’m sure a lot of people have this problem, but when all I see is successful people, it makes it that much more difficult.

Whenever I get on one of my healthy kicks, my boyfriend is always really motivating and helpful.  However, he has the exact opposite problem that I do.  He can’t put on weight to save his life, whereas I eat a piece of bread and I can see the outlines of the crust in my belly two hours later.  He won’t work out with me, or try to eat healthy with me either.  It kind of makes sense, since he needs to eat like four pizzas a day to maintain his current body weight of 125 lbs, but things would be so much easier if I had someone who was trying to get healthy with me.

Or maybe I’m just making excuses.  Maybe things wouldn’t be any easier if my boyfriend, or anyone for that matter, was on board.  Maybe I just need to woman-up and deal with weight loss the same way I deal with homework and deadlines: with a no-nonsense attitude.  Maybe I just need to reread this post everyday to remind me of my feelings towards getting healthy and hope that it does the trick.  Or maybe I’m just destined to become a four hundred pound old woman with thirty-seven cats.  But I seriously hope not, because I hate cats.

What keeps you motivated on a daily basis?

Holly, not Hollie

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Samples, Samples, Samples

I’ve been receiving samples from Birchbox for about a year now, and although I really like it, I haven’t had much to compare it to.  Lately, I’ve been reading about all these other companies offering monthly samples, such as Sample Society and Glambox, and I’m wondering if it’s worth it to keep myself subscribed with Birchbox when everyone seems to be hating on it.

I did a quick Google search for Sample Society reviews, and the one thing that kind of turned me off from it was that it seems like each month, everyone gets the same exact thing.  I like that my Birchbox is semi-customized, so then I’m not getting things that I won’t use, like anti-aging cream and the like.

But enough about my opinion.  I want to hear what you guys think.

What monthly samples are you currently using/have used in the past, and which are your favorites?

Holly, not Hollie

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21 Days Until I’m 21!

Even Oprah's excited for me.

So twenty one days, three weeks, 504 hours, 30,240 seconds…not like I’m counting or anything.  My boyfriend has  been 21 for a few months now, and whenever he goes out to the bars with friends I always envy him.  I am one of those rare college students that has never owned a fake ID, and therefore has never been to a bar.  I know people that are years younger than me that have been out to a bar, so I feel a little lame.  But after witnessing my best friend spend hundreds of dollars on fakes, only to have each one taken away, I just never saw the point in wasting my money when I could just wait.

But, let me tell you, these next three weeks are going to be the slowest of my life.

Now I probably sound like some sort of alcoholic, with me ranting and raving about how I can’t wait to go out and get hammered.  But I think everyone should be excited about turning 21, right?  Well, that’s what I’m telling myself, anyway.

What did you do for your 21st birthday?

Holly, not Hollie

Side note: After publishing, I realized that this is my 21st post too. How ironic.

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Six Things I Love Sunday: April 1st

This week, I wanted to dedicate my post to books.  I’ve always been an avid reader, and unfortunately, since I started college a few years ago my love for reading novels has had to take a backseat to reading textbooks.  Recently, I’ve started reading for pleasure again (thanks for the Nook, Mom!), so I thought I should share a few of my favorite books with you guys.

1. The Hunger Games

Why? It wouldn’t be a good book list if I didn’t start out with this one.  I’m pretty sure everyone and their mother has read this book and seen the movie at this point.  I haven’t seen the movie yet, since unfortunately my social anxiety has decided to kick into full force recently, but I’ve heard that it’s amazing.  I’m currently on the third book in the trilogy, but my friend from Madison asked to borrow it, so I won’t be finishing it until I see him next, which could be a couple months from now.

2. Room

Why? This book is sheer genius.  It’s told from the perspective of a small boy, who lives with his mother in a shed that was remodeled by her abductor.  The mother has created this life for him, and he never truly understands the dynamics of the situation, even when his mother decides it’s time to escape.  This book’s content can be dark and a little disturbing at times, but overall, it inspires and makes you see the world through a new light.

3. Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children

Why? This is one of the stranger books I’ve read.  Ransom Riggs incorporates random photographs he found at flea markets into the story, creating a truly strange and captivating read.  This story follows a teenage boy as he collects clues left by his grandfather and eventually stumbles upon an old Welsh orphanage, also known as Miss Peregrine’s home.  If you are looking for a unique read, I would seriously recommend this one.

4. The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

Why? There is no other way to describe this book than a thriller.  Once again, I haven’t seen the movie due to my annoyingly crippling anxiety, but I’m considering watching the Swedish rendition on Netflix while I wait.  Although the first portion of this book is really hard to get into (it took me nearly two weeks to get through the first 100 pages), it is well worth it in the end.  Lisbeth Salander is a true heroine, albeit a little twisted.  Surprisingly, you can actually relate to her unconventional way of living, and once the book gets going, it’s impossible to put it down.  I’m about halfway through its sequel, The Girl Who Played With Fire, and so far I am not disappointed.

5. Look Me in the Eye

Why? Probably due to my love for psychology (it is my minor, after all!), I love all things relating to personality disorders and mental disabilities. They’ve always intrigued me, for some strange reason, so much so that for awhile, my idea of a dream job was working in a mental hospital.  So when I came across this book, I couldn’t put it down.  Look Me in the Eye chronicles the life of John Elder Robison as a person living with Asperger’s Syndrome.  I also read Running With Scissors, which was actually written by Robison’s brother, Augusten Burroughs.  Both books were simply amazing and inspiring.

 

6. I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

Why?  If you are easily offended, this book is definitely not for you.  Crude and crass, Tucker Max chronicles his life as a womanizing man who is more often drunk than sober.  This book is essentially a collection of short stories, and it never fails to make you laugh.  I remember reading this book in high school with my boyfriend at the time, laughing so hard we were crying.  Nothing like reading about other people’s problems to make you feel better about your own.

What are some of your favorite books at the moment?

Holly, not Hollie

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